A Parent's Role in Educating Children: The Place for Firmness, Acceptance, and Autonomy - Part 3
Our previous discussions focused on Laurence Steinberg’s research in Beyond the Classroom. This research points out that although teachers, curriculum, and academic expectations are important, the extent of a student’s engagement in education is the most important factor for determining academic success. Furthermore, this engagement is grounded in the student’s motivation toward learning as it is shaped in the home environment. According to Steinberg’s research, parents provide three critical factors that foster motivation: acceptance, firmness and autonomy. In last month’s article we looked at the role of firmness. This article will focus on acceptance and how parental acceptance goes hand-in-hand with parental firmness.
For Steinberg, “acceptance refers to the degree to which the child feels loved, valued, and supported by his or her parents. Accepting parents are affectionate, liberal in their praise, involved in their child’s life, and responsive to their child’s emotional needs. Accordingly, children raised by accepting parents feel that they can turn to their parents when they have problems, that their parents encourage them, that their parents enjoy spending time with them, and that their parents are dependable sources of guidance and assistance.”
From my own experience, firmness and acceptance go hand-in-hand. Parental firmness stems from parental hope; parents want the best for their children. They are hoping their children will develop to their fullest intellectual, emotional, and social potential. Accordingly, the parents must work very hard at directing, guiding, and sometimes insisting upon the best paths for their child. But here is where problems can occur. When parents are exercising firmness, they most likely will run into the child’s will, a will that is often shortsighted, self-indulgent, and based in momentary pleasures rather than reason. As parents insist on their way, the child can find himself frustrated, overwhelmed, disheartened, angry, and rebellious.
At these junctures parents need to manifest their “acceptance”, their unequivocal love and support. In the midst of being firm, parents should help their children understand why they are demanding and firm. They must remind the child incessantly that they hope for and expect the best from their children because they believe their little child is the most wonderful young man or woman on the whole earth, and that their little child is unique, special and worthy of Mom and Dad’s love, devotion, and support. In essence, Mom and Dad become the child’s personal cheerleaders. The child must understand his parents’ motives; then he must also understand that Mom and Dad will do anything to help the child and support the child. They will spend time, money, energy, and even their own personal well-being to manifest their love and support for the child.
Firmness and acceptance work as a team. Parental firmness tells the child that his parents care deeply about his personal growth and development. His parents want what is best for him. Acceptance reminds the child that while his/her parents set high standards and can be very demanding, his parents will do whatever they can to make sure that every ounce of intellectual, psychological, and social potential comes to fruition. Firmness without acceptance can breed fear, insecurity, and failure. Acceptance without firmness lacks substance and will not help the child’s development.
In the formative years, ages 3-12, firmness and acceptance shape the foundations of a child’s motivation. Then in early adolescence parents are ready to guide their child onto the path of personal autonomy. This will be next month’s topic.
By Charles Debelak
