A Parent’s Role In Educating Children: Giving Children Autonomy - Part 1
It is helpful to repeat Laurence Steinberg’s thesis in Beyond the Classroom, a discussion of his longitudinal study about student achievement. The research, he explains, illustrates that the most important factor in student success is engagement, that is, the extent that students understand why they must be educated and why they must apply themselves to do well in school will determine their success. In preparing children to be academically engaged, parents play the primary role. This effort, as Steinberg describes it, requires parental firmness, acceptance, and autonomy. In this article we will discuss autonomy.
Steinberg defines autonomy as “how much parents tolerate and encourage their child’s sense of individuality…[valuing] self-expression…children whose parents have granted them sufficient psychological autonomy are more self-reliant, more industrious, and more competent than other children. They have a stronger sense of their own abilities, and they are more persistent and determined when challenged in school or in some other achievement situation…they are more confident and less likely to feel helpless and are less susceptible to feelings of depression or anxiety.”
From my experience, I could not agree more. When a child, or an adult for that matter, deliberately chooses coursework, hobbies, recreation, or professional aspirations, the chances of success skyrocket. Motivation increases and persistence grows; success and personal satisfaction usually follow.
But when parents plan to supply their children autonomy and freedom of choice, they must keep in mind a few modifications. First, some maturity is needed. Autonomy assumes that children are ready to make intelligent, reasoned choices about life. Second, when parents give children autonomy, they must also provide wise guidance. Otherwise autonomy can quickly morph into self-indulgence where the only thing that matters to the child is ME! “I want this; I don’t want this; I like this; I don’t like this.” This is not autonomy. It is self-absorption that usually leads children to make foolish, even destructive, decisions that squander their abilities and even hurt others, all in favor of fulfilling their temporary pleasures and passions.
If parents wish to give their children meaningful autonomy, they must teach their children how to think, how to analyze and evaluate multiple variables that go into wise choices. Children must be taught how to make choices that will enhance their personal development and benefit those around them. Teaching children this skill is much more difficult than exercising either firmness or acceptance, factors we have discussed in previous articles. It requires forethought, patience, tolerance, and the ability to maintain a close, communicative relationship with our children. Within these parameters, parents offer children autonomy and reasoned discussion. While neither imposing their parental will nor allowing their children unbounded autonomy, parents work at engaging children in thoughtful conversation, a conversation that helps children acknowledge their strengths and weaknesses, reminds them of their morals and values, shows them how to analyze and evaluate factors in their decisions, respects children’s individuality, and emboldens them to have the courage to do what is right for their own personal development and ability to help others.
And here lies a great dilemma. How can Mom or Dad to engage a self-willed, independent minded, young teenager in thoughtful discussion? That’s another story, and a topic we will discuss in the next month’s article.
By Charles Debelak
