Competency and Motivation - Part 7
When heaven is about to confer a great responsibility on any man, it will exercise his mind with suffering, his sinews and bones to hard work, expose his body to hunger, put him to poverty, place obstacles in the paths of his deeds, so as to stimulate his mind, harden his nature, and improve where he is incompetent.” Meng Tzu, China, 3rd cent, BCD
If parents hope to instill a growth mindset in their children, it will be important to teach them how to face life’s afflictions. Affliction, hardship, and disappointment are inescapable. They are life’s crucible inflicting mixed results upon our lives. They can forge strength, courage, and virtue, or they can impose crushing defeat and withdrawal. The choice in life is not whether or not we will face these trials, but how we will cope with them. This requires a healthy mindset, one that understands the place and purpose of life’s challenges.
In raising our four children, Helene and I found this task the most difficult. We did not want to help our children to face any afflictions, hardships or disappointments. Our parental hearts wanted to protect them from every possible heartache. When difficulties occurred my first reaction was to defend them, justify them and make someone else pay for their pain! But of course deep at the core of our hearts, Helene and I knew better; this was life, bad “stuff” happens. But we also knew that good things could come out of each and every trial.
What then. . .? We took a deep breath, put aside our paternal subjectivity, and helped our children gain perspective. We had to take the first step to swallow our inclination to blame or find excuses, and only then, we could put the affliction in perspective. Something could be learned out of this trial; something could be gained in the end.
As we muted our visceral reactions, we were able to comfort our children, support them, and when their tears finally stopped, talk to them about making something good emerge in the end. They were too young to do it on their own. They needed guidance. Without this support they could become bitter, a slave of their own anger toward others, allowing a poor self-concept to take root, and perhaps lean toward a lifestyle that always seeks the path of least resistance. Certainly if Helene and I felt we needed to be our children’s advocates with the people or events that caused the anguish, we jumped into the middle of the problem. But often what was needed more often, was for us to invest time with our children, working together to craft a plan that, on the one hand, helped them gain a perspective about the trial, while on the other hand, making the most of the trial.
The process was always painful for Mom, Dad and the kids. But like the afflictions themselves, these times became a factor for lessons that could last a life time.
By Charles Debelak
