During this past year, we reviewed briefly Dr. Carol Dweck’s popular new book Mindsets: The New Psychology of Success. The book’s theme focuses on the growth mindset and how to teach children to view opportunity, achievement, and success as things that are within their own control. The book explains that a history of one’s accomplishments is related more closely to the attitude and effort of personal achievement ethics, than it is to factors outside of one’s control – heredity, environment, chance.
I believe a growth mindset is particularly important amidst cultural pressures and tendencies that allow children to become victims of their circumstances and to blame people and places for their own hardship, failure, and disappointment. The theme is played out nightly in the news. You can hear it from children, young adults, and often parents, who are looking to avoid personal struggles or responsibility. Dweck would categorize this outlook on life as the result of a fixed mindset, a mindset that says. “Without the right environment, or people, or money, I am powerless, a victim of my circumstances, a prisoner of my personal history.”
My observation during my 30+ years in education is that this attitude seems to be gaining more and more traction among our youth. If young people aren’t careful, this thinking can create a form of 21st century slavery, a bondage to the assumption that we are powerless until someone or some program gives us what we want. To counter this general trend it’s important that we teach our children the attitudes and habits of the growth mindset. We should help them emulate the attitudes and work ethic of the wonderful success stories that surround us.
Like the story of Melinda, a teenage girl I met 20 years ago. She was attending Case Western Reserve University on a full scholarship, yet she had been educated in one of Cleveland’s poorest performing schools. I asked her, “How did you do it? Why didn’t you drop out like so many other girls from your neighborhood? Why weren’t you overwhelmed by the debilitating circumstances surrounding you?” She gave me a knowing smirk and said, “My Mom woulda’ killed me!” She went on to explain that her mother accepted no excuses for poor academic performance. When Melinda griped about poor teachers, her mother shot back, “How does a poor teacher keep you from studying or getting help from tutors?” If Melinda complained that the other students didn’t care about school and teased her when she took school seriously, Momma shot back without mercy, “They are losers. Do you think they have any kind of meaningful future? Do you think their opinions mean anything or have any other purpose except to tear you down and make you like them?” Melinda looked up at me and said, “Momma usually won the arguments . . . and here I am today.”
A recurring theme in my middle school classes is “take charge.” I often ask my students, “What are your goals? What challenges are before you? Are you facing problems that need to be resolved?” Then I show them how to “attack,” how to get the bottom of these issues and forge a strategy to move forward. From my experience, young people love this kind of talk. They are inspired and ready to work. They want to assume control of their lives. With encouragement and support from those who love them, they are completely capable of taking charge. We just need to show them how.
If we help our children see our great country as a field of opportunity, they can, through effort and struggle, reach their highest ambitions. But if they are guided by self-indulgent cultural trends, our young people will find themselves in a swampy marsh, unable to move and a target of predators.
By Charles Debelak
]]>When heaven is about to confer a great responsibility on any man, it will exercise his mind with suffering, his sinews and bones to hard work, expose his body to hunger, put him to poverty, place obstacles in the paths of his deeds, so as to stimulate his mind, harden his nature, and improve where he is incompetent.” Meng Tzu, China, 3rd cent, BCD
If parents hope to instill a growth mindset in their children, it will be important to teach them how to face life’s afflictions. Affliction, hardship, and disappointment are inescapable. They are life’s crucible inflicting mixed results upon our lives. They can forge strength, courage, and virtue, or they can impose crushing defeat and withdrawal. The choice in life is not whether or not we will face these trials, but how we will cope with them. This requires a healthy mindset, one that understands the place and purpose of life’s challenges.
In raising our four children, Helene and I found this task the most difficult. We did not want to help our children to face any afflictions, hardships or disappointments. Our parental hearts wanted to protect them from every possible heartache. When difficulties occurred my first reaction was to defend them, justify them and make someone else pay for their pain! But of course deep at the core of our hearts, Helene and I knew better; this was life, bad “stuff” happens. But we also knew that good things could come out of each and every trial.
What then. . .? We took a deep breath, put aside our paternal subjectivity, and helped our children gain perspective. We had to take the first step to swallow our inclination to blame or find excuses, and only then, we could put the affliction in perspective. Something could be learned out of this trial; something could be gained in the end.
As we muted our visceral reactions, we were able to comfort our children, support them, and when their tears finally stopped, talk to them about making something good emerge in the end. They were too young to do it on their own. They needed guidance. Without this support they could become bitter, a slave of their own anger toward others, allowing a poor self-concept to take root, and perhaps lean toward a lifestyle that always seeks the path of least resistance. Certainly if Helene and I felt we needed to be our children’s advocates with the people or events that caused the anguish, we jumped into the middle of the problem. But often what was needed more often, was for us to invest time with our children, working together to craft a plan that, on the one hand, helped them gain a perspective about the trial, while on the other hand, making the most of the trial.
The process was always painful for Mom, Dad and the kids. But like the afflictions themselves, these times became a factor for lessons that could last a life time.
By Charles Debelak
]]>By Charles Debelak
]]>All students should develop a growth mindset: those who assume they are “bright” and those who do not. In either case, if children develop a growth mindset they develop a life pattern that fosters hope. Whenever they take on a new activity, whenever they face a new stage in life, they will focus on how to improve and grow.
Developing a growth mindset begins with changing children’s perceptions, and changing the language that supports those perceptions. The result is student progress and success.
I love teaching mathematics because this process is so evident. Students march into my class in the fall with clear notions about their mathematical prowess, or lack thereof. When Julie entered my class one September, she warned me ahead of time, “I’m not good at math.” She wanted to make sure that I understood why she was going to fail and why I should go easy on her. That’s how a fixed mindset works in a child who assumes she is not capable. On the other hand, Linda entered the same class possessing a stellar mathematics history in the fourth grade. She was at the top of the class. She also gave me a “heads up” on the first day of school: “Hey, Mr. D, I’m really good at math!”
Both students had a fixed mindset. Both had drawn conclusions about their abilities, and I knew from experience, they both would perform up to the level that justified what they believed about themselves. Julie would begin pouting from the first day, lamenting her lack of mathematical brain power while Linda would thrust herself into her work to show-off her competencies and impress her new teacher. Of course, little did Linda realize that old Mr. D knows quite well that when she encounters math skills that she will not understand simply by raw talent alone, she too would slip into a mathematical “funk” and decide she is not as good at mathematics as she first believed.
For both students it was time to reshape their mindset and to learn a new language that would support that mindset.
I told Julie about some of my math students from the past who claimed they were not “good” at math. I described the power of practice, focused efforts, and the necessity of pushing yourself. Then with supportive coaching, focused instruction, repetition, steady and detailed support, and warm, loving encouragement, Julie learned! She experienced success and she loved it. From this starting point I could tell her, “Look what you did! You practiced. You worked hard. You did not give up. And you got it!” At this point my praises are only reinforcing the intrinsic satisfaction of accomplishment. Julie is on her way toward building a growth mindset.
Linda’s experience is a little different. She could do just about everything I gave her during the first month of school. I realized I had a very bright girl on my hands and it was time to give her more challenging work. She could do more and should do more, so I congratulated her on her efforts and asked her if she would like to attempt some very advanced concepts. She beamed. “Definitely, Mr. D. Bring it on!”
Round #2 was a little different. I made sure the level of work was at such a level that she would not understand it without some of the same efforts Julie had to learn: practice, focused effort, and self-discipline. The initial results were interesting. Julie did not understand how to do the problems and she simply quit. She said, “I can’t do this” Period. And I thought; “Good,” now we can talk about effort. Now we can begin nurturing a growth mindset that would, in turn, enable Linda to develop and realize her full potential in mathematics.
Next month we will continue our discussion of how to nurture a growth mindset.
By Charles Debelak
]]>Last month we explained that parents can have a great deal of input concerning their children’s emerging competency and motivation. They can guide their children to address small and great challenges, and then step-bystep walk them through the stages of effort that lead to success. But more importantly, not only should parents help their children establish early competencies, they should also help fashion a mindset that will propel children into a lifelong pathway that is motivated toward achievement, a life whose premise is to grow, blossom, and reinvent itself year after year, decade after decade. Carol Dweck, world-renowned Stanford University psychologist and author of Mindset – the New Psychology of Success, calls this disposition toward life a “growth mindset.”
To understand the meaning of “growth mindset” it helps to understand its converse, a “fixed mindset.” With a fixed mindset, children (and often parents) believe that ability and talent are fixed: either a child is endowed with specific skills and talents or he is not. In this mindset, a child, after only a few experiences, makes assumptions about his innate abilities. For example, because he does not understand how to do a particular math problem, or how to write a clear paragraph, or hit a baseball, the child concludes that he “is just not good” in this area. Based upon this outlook, it becomes a child’s habit to make quick judgments about his abilities, and these premature judgments determine whether he will stretch forward toward greater competencies or use a contrived belief about “inability” as an excuse to give up.
Usually it is not in the child’s mindset (unless an adult intervenes) to reason, “It doesn’t matter whether I am presently good at mathematics or writing or baseball, because if I am not “good at it” I will study, practice more, and work harder. Eventually I will get it and I will do it well.” A fixed mindset, however, does not have strategies to face setbacks or failures. Instead the fixed mindset exercises coping mechanisms. The child will find someone or something to blame for his failure, “I am just not smart in math. This material is too hard. My math teachers are not good.”Furthermore, the fixed mindset lets the child shirk his responsibility to learn and consequently limits any achievement. Having a fixed mindset makes effort disagreeable and leaves the child without any strategies to improve and grow. The growth mindset, on the other hand, looks at ability and talent as having expanding potential. It recognizes what research has confirmed: the brain is like a muscle and if exercised properly its capacity and functionality can grow.
The growth mindset doesn’t care whether the child’s early experience at any given activity is successful or not because it knows that talent grows by effort. Through practice, exercise, self-discipline and perseverance, the child will become competent. With a growth mindset, the child develops strategies for facing challenges, dealing with setbacks and failures, finding new and creative pathways to success. The growth mindset enables. It mpowers. In the course of a lifetime, those with a growth mindset are ever-expanding their skills and talents because facing challenges and solving problems has become a way of life. Those with a growth mindset are continually making their own life and the lives of those around them rich and full.
Next month we will examine the attributes of a fixed mindset and explore how to cultivate these traits in our children.
By Charles Debelak]]>
As we discussed last month, all children strive for competency. They want to get good at something and establish themselves as a capable person. But we also noted that if left solely to their own choice children may avoid pursuing challenging competencies that will best develop their personal potential. They dodge these tasks because often they are arduous, requiring more thought, effort, and time. They also pose the potential for failure. Hence, some adult intervention is necessary to provide children the support they need to face these challenges.
Take, for example, learning how to play the piano. It is not unusual for a six year old to express interest in learning how to play, and at first he may show enthusiasm for lessons. Learning at first is easy. But before long comes the necessity of drill and repetition, and there is no easy path to gain proficiency except through diligence and hard work. Maybe the child has to learn scales or memorize a short piece. In either case, the task is beyond the will power of a six year old child. Young children lack the maturity to tell themselves to focus, work hard and persevere. Adult intervention is needed and someone’s support (usually Mom’s) must provide an encouraging yet firm hand enabling the child to succeed. Once the child gains some degree of mastery, he experiences success and is inspired to continue. Of course we know the next challenge for the young pianist is right around the corner, one that extends beyond the child’s strength of will (even if he possesses the capacity for advancement), and success will require the firm yet encouraging attention of Mom. In order for children to become highly accomplished pianists the cycle may continue into adolescence.
Mrs. Chu, our music teacher, tells me that among highly accomplished pianists, there comes a time when they are not only improving their talent but they begin to realize that an integral part of development is this process in which they recognize challenge, face challenge, and meet challenge becomes an integral part of their skill development. They actually thrive on the process as much as they enjoy the beauty of their music.
An academic parallel is learning to write expository essays, those which require not only good writing skills but also clear and logical reasoning. Unlike the experience of the aspiring pianist, the elementary school child may not even begin with the slightest interest in learning how to write clearly. A teacher can try to describe the personal satisfaction acquired through writing well, but the child won’t buy it. How can writing be “fun?”
In this case it takes a few “hard nosed” teachers ready to provide not only writing expertise, but even more, the will power, the encouragement, the guidance, and the unrelenting support that compels children to build their compositions from atrocious first edits to exemplary final products. From my experience, I am not sure whether this process is more difficult for the teacher or the student because although the child is being compelled to do work that he does not want to do, the teacher on the other hand, must work with the student’s resistance, the absence of skills, a negative attitude, and the incalculable amount of time and effort it takes to bring each child’s writing from literary and logical mush, to clear, precise message (it is no wonder that teaching writing on this level is often neglected in most schools). Nevertheless, the reward at the end is great. Over time children discover the deep satisfaction of articulating their thoughts to specific audiences and seeing the impact their writing has on others. They learn to appreciate the value and rigor of good reasoning and logic, and they recognize the importance of being able to communicate clearly and effectively: a competency that provides lifelong value.
by Charles Debelak ]]>
Research beginning in the 1950’s supports what most parents recognize intuitively: children desire competency. They want to become good at something and they want to be recognized for their competencies. The best anecdotal proof of this phenomenon is a child’s face just after experiencing success. Not only his or her countenance beams, but the entire body is animated with satisfaction. It feels so good to accomplish things.
But equally important, research notes that children wish to grow in their specific competencies and if given the opportunity they will readily select tasks that “represent an optimal challenge given their capacities” (Csikszentmihalyi, 1975; Deci, 1975). In other words, once children establish some level of task success, they want to get better. They will seek out challenges that are slightly more difficult, ones that suggest probable success and increased competency. As competency grows, the child identifies himself with the activity: “I’m a good reader. I’m a good problem solver. I’m a good athlete.” Little-by-little, just like their adult models, children describe themselves by their competencies. It is also important to note, however, that children will be careful not to select challenges that might lead to failure. Hence they may avoid those tasks which would be most helpful to them in the long run.
The drive for competency places each child on a little personal odyssey, a quest for competencies in life. Children are programmed to engage their world, trying to establish who they are and who they will become. Even without parent or teacher input, children will seek competencies in life and growth in those competencies.
But parents and educators should also realize that most children, left to their own devices, will not necessary seek competence in the more challenging and personally enriching tasks, those that will most benefit their lives. Sometimes the competencies children seek from their own initiative can be productive, but often they are only choices along the path of least resistance. They have little impact on the child’s course toward productive adulthood. It is a self-selecting process and the odds of enduring value are low. For many years I have watched, with no small amount of heartache, some young people who become very good at activities that do nothing to benefit them in the future and sometimes even lead them down roads that squander their potential. Are they competent? Certainly. But competent at what?
On the other hand, parents and educators can direct the development of competences toward fulfilling the child’s highest personal potential. This is more difficult because often the development of these competencies requires more thought, more effort, more time, and they pose the potential for initial failure and discouragement. Children left solely to themselves, e.g. “What would you like to do, Honey?” will usually avoid the kind of activities that lead to productive competencies. Intervention is needed. Some adult must exercise time, patience, and perseverance to help children discover competencies in those tasks and activities that will lead not only to a fuller and more productive personal life, but also to greater personal satisfaction.
Let’s talk about these activities next month.
by Charles Debelak
]]>Welcome to the 2009-2010 school year and another series of short essays designed to make research and historical precedents applicable to the day-to-day tasks of raising great children. Our discussions this year will focus on issues of competency and motivation. Competency is verified ability. It is based upon what we have really accomplished. Competency leads to efficacy, the realization that we are effective in life and from here we develop our sense of personal value. Motivation describes internal drive. When motivated, we are roused to action and productivity. Together, competency and motivation help shape our sense of self-worth.
Since the late 1950’s research in the field of human development has recognized that the need for competence is innate. We humans want to be able to do things, and once we can do something we want to get better at it. Robert W. White (1959), a pioneer in this field, suggested that to develop as a human being is to attain greater competence. As competency increases we feel satisfied and fulfilled.
We frequently see this phenomenon played out in children. One of my grandchildren is a two-year old toddler, Jonah. During his last visit he established his competency for throwing away rubbish for “Papachuck.” I would give him a piece of crumpled paper from my desk. I assigned him a never-before-attempted task of throwing the paper away in a rubbish container. I said, “Jonah, throw this in the rubbish can.” He gave me a puzzled look. I repeated the request, pointed at my crumpled paper, and motioned toward at the rubbish container a few feet away. Finally, he took the paper, walked to the container and dropped it in. Immediately I declared, “You did it!” He looked at me with great satisfaction and beamed, “I did it!” he said. Then without further provocation boasted again, “I did it!”
You can guess what happened next. He walked back to me, grabbed another piece of paper off my desk, marched it to the rubbish, dropped it in, and with the biggest smile called out, “I did it!” Not only was he establishing his competency for throwing things away in the rubbish container, he apparently wanted to get better at it. Before long, he continued his quest for increased competency by dispensing my notebook, my pen and the TV remote control into the trash (we are talking about competency here not perfection).
The same, although more sophisticated scenario, is played out among elementary and middle school students. Often in my math class, I will take pains to make math assignments relatively challenging yet likely to be mastered. The result is similar to Jonah’s trash can conquest. With time and support, the math students “did it.” They got the problems right, and then they want to do more problems. They are proud of themselves and before long identify themselves as “good at math.” They established a degree of math competency.
An even more sophisticated example occurs when we work with students in the National History Day competition. For nearly five months students intensely read, research, synthesize and write. It is an absolutely grueling process for students and teachers. You would think that after such an experience students would vow to themselves never to get involved with “that” again. But in fact, the opposite is true. Even if students do not win the competition per se, they have developed extraordinary competencies in the process; upon the completion of the competition, they are already discussing what topic they will do the following year. In fact, even though some of these students are graduating eighth graders they even wonder if they can still do History Day in high school. The hard work does not dissuade them from further rigor. They are motivated. They have accomplished something; they have proved their ability and they feel great about themselves.
By Charles Debelak
]]>In Beyond the Classroom, Laurence Steinberg’s research suggests that the primary factor for school success is a student’s the level of engagement in learning. If children value education, if they understand how a strong education will play out in their lives, and if they make learning their personal responsibility, they are likely to have a successful experience in school. Steinberg points out that parents play the most formidable role in shaping these values by exercising firmness, acceptance and autonomy.
As we discussed in previous essays, efforts to teach children how to exercise autonomy are built upon a foundation of parental firmness – shaping habits and will at an early age, and acceptance – assuring the child of unconditional, parental love and support. From this foundation, parents should keep in mind two guiding principles as they begin to give their children greater personal autonomy.
The first principle builds upon precepts of classical education: autonomy that which leads to personal development and responsibility is rooted in reason. A life of reason subjects passion to knowledge, experience, history, and critical thinking. To be truly free, a child must learn that reasoning is the pathway to a noble life and passions should assume a subordinate position. This is not to say children should not be passionate and instinctive per se. Rather it means that passion, commitment, and intuition are intimately connected to, and closely follow after, reasoned conclusions.
Second, parents should remember that children do not develop strong reasoning powers on their own. They need guidance and instruction from parents, and for this reason parents must learn to develop a close, communicative relationship with their children. Within this relationship parents can show their children how to reason through the decisions and events that cross their children’s pathway during the pre-teen and teen years.
There are four guiding principles that can help us build a communicative relationship with our children.
·Start early. In the pre-teen years, make the transition from the firm authoritarian to the person who is still in authority but who also listens and takes into consideration the child’s view.
·Respect the emerging person. During the pre-teen and teen years children are blossoming, slowly and steadily, into distinctive individuals. They are struggling to discover their place in life; they want to establish their uniqueness. It helps to understand this dynamic because in conversation you will respect your children’s views and give them an honest ear. This does not mean that you let children do whatever they wish. You still must hold the reigns of guidance. But as your children mature, allow them to express their views, hopes, and expectations.
·Trust yourself. Your perspective on life, your education, your experience, and your understanding of family and cultural values is far more informed and far deeper than your children’s. Your personal wisdom is sufficient to allow your children to express their thoughts, wishes, and opinions about life no matter how right or wrong they may be, because within respectful conversation you can explain to your children a deeper and broader understanding of whatever topic your are discussing. You can help them see issues and challenges from a more inclusive perspective. While allowing their expression of personal identity your can, in a reasoned discussion, steer their thinking toward a more considered worldview.
·Finally, your conversations with your children should be a collaborative exercise similar to what Socrates called the self-examined life. You and your children can approach personal issues and decisions together. Look at the facts, consider options, suggest alternative solutions, prioritize choices, discern between needs and wants. You can actually converse like colleagues while simultaneously introducing your children to considerations and insights that reflect your wisdom from life experiences. In other words, through the vehicle of loving, respectful conversation, you will be able to teach your child to approach life with the same kind of thoughtful consideration that you yourself exercise. Quite honestly, children love this. They rise up to higher standards of thought when their views are respected. They thrive in taking an active, yet collaborative, part in their choices. In this kind of conversation, they actually want Dad or Mom play an integral, supportive role in their development. Through experience, they come to discover that not only are Dad and Mom two “smart cookies” but that their parents love them deeply, and are standing beside them for the their best interests.
By Charles Debelak
]]>It is helpful to repeat Laurence Steinberg’s thesis in Beyond the Classroom, a discussion of his longitudinal study about student achievement. The research, he explains, illustrates that the most important factor in student success is engagement, that is, the extent that students understand why they must be educated and why they must apply themselves to do well in school will determine their success. In preparing children to be academically engaged, parents play the primary role. This effort, as Steinberg describes it, requires parental firmness, acceptance, and autonomy. In this article we will discuss autonomy.
Steinberg defines autonomy as “how much parents tolerate and encourage their child’s sense of individuality…[valuing] self-expression…children whose parents have granted them sufficient psychological autonomy are more self-reliant, more industrious, and more competent than other children. They have a stronger sense of their own abilities, and they are more persistent and determined when challenged in school or in some other achievement situation…they are more confident and less likely to feel helpless and are less susceptible to feelings of depression or anxiety.”
From my experience, I could not agree more. When a child, or an adult for that matter, deliberately chooses coursework, hobbies, recreation, or professional aspirations, the chances of success skyrocket. Motivation increases and persistence grows; success and personal satisfaction usually follow.
But when parents plan to supply their children autonomy and freedom of choice, they must keep in mind a few modifications. First, some maturity is needed. Autonomy assumes that children are ready to make intelligent, reasoned choices about life. Second, when parents give children autonomy, they must also provide wise guidance. Otherwise autonomy can quickly morph into self-indulgence where the only thing that matters to the child is ME! “I want this; I don’t want this; I like this; I don’t like this.” This is not autonomy. It is self-absorption that usually leads children to make foolish, even destructive, decisions that squander their abilities and even hurt others, all in favor of fulfilling their temporary pleasures and passions.
If parents wish to give their children meaningful autonomy, they must teach their children how to think, how to analyze and evaluate multiple variables that go into wise choices. Children must be taught how to make choices that will enhance their personal development and benefit those around them. Teaching children this skill is much more difficult than exercising either firmness or acceptance, factors we have discussed in previous articles. It requires forethought, patience, tolerance, and the ability to maintain a close, communicative relationship with our children. Within these parameters, parents offer children autonomy and reasoned discussion. While neither imposing their parental will nor allowing their children unbounded autonomy, parents work at engaging children in thoughtful conversation, a conversation that helps children acknowledge their strengths and weaknesses, reminds them of their morals and values, shows them how to analyze and evaluate factors in their decisions, respects children’s individuality, and emboldens them to have the courage to do what is right for their own personal development and ability to help others.
And here lies a great dilemma. How can Mom or Dad to engage a self-willed, independent minded, young teenager in thoughtful discussion? That’s another story, and a topic we will discuss in the next month’s article.
By Charles Debelak ]]>
Our previous discussions focused on Laurence Steinberg’s research in Beyond the Classroom. This research points out that although teachers, curriculum, and academic expectations are important, the extent of a student’s engagement in education is the most important factor for determining academic success. Furthermore, this engagement is grounded in the student’s motivation toward learning as it is shaped in the home environment. According to Steinberg’s research, parents provide three critical factors that foster motivation: acceptance, firmness and autonomy. In last month’s article we looked at the role of firmness. This article will focus on acceptance and how parental acceptance goes hand-in-hand with parental firmness.
For Steinberg, “acceptance refers to the degree to which the child feels loved, valued, and supported by his or her parents. Accepting parents are affectionate, liberal in their praise, involved in their child’s life, and responsive to their child’s emotional needs. Accordingly, children raised by accepting parents feel that they can turn to their parents when they have problems, that their parents encourage them, that their parents enjoy spending time with them, and that their parents are dependable sources of guidance and assistance.”
From my own experience, firmness and acceptance go hand-in-hand. Parental firmness stems from parental hope; parents want the best for their children. They are hoping their children will develop to their fullest intellectual, emotional, and social potential. Accordingly, the parents must work very hard at directing, guiding, and sometimes insisting upon the best paths for their child. But here is where problems can occur. When parents are exercising firmness, they most likely will run into the child’s will, a will that is often shortsighted, self-indulgent, and based in momentary pleasures rather than reason. As parents insist on their way, the child can find himself frustrated, overwhelmed, disheartened, angry, and rebellious.
At these junctures parents need to manifest their “acceptance”, their unequivocal love and support. In the midst of being firm, parents should help their children understand why they are demanding and firm. They must remind the child incessantly that they hope for and expect the best from their children because they believe their little child is the most wonderful young man or woman on the whole earth, and that their little child is unique, special and worthy of Mom and Dad’s love, devotion, and support. In essence, Mom and Dad become the child’s personal cheerleaders. The child must understand his parents’ motives; then he must also understand that Mom and Dad will do anything to help the child and support the child. They will spend time, money, energy, and even their own personal well-being to manifest their love and support for the child.
Firmness and acceptance work as a team. Parental firmness tells the child that his parents care deeply about his personal growth and development. His parents want what is best for him. Acceptance reminds the child that while his/her parents set high standards and can be very demanding, his parents will do whatever they can to make sure that every ounce of intellectual, psychological, and social potential comes to fruition. Firmness without acceptance can breed fear, insecurity, and failure. Acceptance without firmness lacks substance and will not help the child’s development.
In the formative years, ages 3-12, firmness and acceptance shape the foundations of a child’s motivation. Then in early adolescence parents are ready to guide their child onto the path of personal autonomy. This will be next month’s topic.
By Charles Debelak
]]>In our previous discussion, we explained the role that student engagement has in learning. Even though teachers and curriculum play an important role in classroom success, Laurence Steinberg’s research strongly supports the idea that student effort, an active engagement in learning, is the most important factor.
At first look, it would seem that engagement is a result of intrinsic motivation, but in fact, Steinberg notes, “Most of the time, what keeps students going in school is not intrinsic motivation – motivation derived from the process of learning itself – but extrinsic motivation – motivation that comes from the real or perceived consequences associated with success or failure, whether these consequences are immediate or delayed. In order to emotionally engage in school, students must believe that what they are learning there is either interesting or valuable – and preferably, both.”
The home environment plays the most critical role in shaping student motivation toward academic engagement. Steinberg cites three parental factors: acceptance, firmness and autonomy. From my own experience, although the three factors work in harmony, firmness plays a leading role with younger children under the age of twelve.
Firmness toward children involves two realizations and three practices. The first realization is the acknowledgement that the parental perspectives on life, on personal and cultural values, and on wisdom in practical affairs based upon life’s experiences is far superior to that of a child’s. Yes, Mom and Dad, you do know better! And the best thing you can do for your child is to introduce your children to what you believe is best.
The second realization that parents need is that although children are born with the potential to become beautiful young people, virtuous and good, they also have the innate potential for vice and corruption. The former must be nurtured; the latter quenched.
Three practices issue from these two realizations. First, beginning at a young age, children need clear moral and ethical foundations, even though we know adult life is not black and white; it is filled with complex ethical decisions. Children, however, cannot begin here. They do not have either the human experience or education that supports wisdom, and if they do not begin life with a clear moral compass they are very likely to choose pathways in life that are unproductive at best and destructive at worst.
This leads to the second practice: imposing your will – rooted in an adult moral and ethical perspective – upon your child’s will – one drifting among childhood passions of likes and dislikes. Certainly an “epic” battle and the need for firmness lie here. Here also is where many parents fail, undermined by notions that somehow if the parents “make” their children behave, if they insist that their children do what is good and right, they will stifle the children’s freedom, perhaps sow seeds of rebellion against authority, or create childhood trauma that will permanently scar the child. Suffice it to say that this reasoning is fatally flawed. Actually if parents do not compel their young children to do what is good toward themselves and others, parents will inadvertently lead the child to become a prisoner to the child’s own passions and later peer group pressure.
Finally, firmness must be balanced by acceptance and autonomy. Parental acceptance, conveyed through words and deeds, tells children that Mom and Dad love them unconditionally and they will do whatever they can so that their children will lead a happy and productive life. Autonomy recognizes that ultimately children must make their own choices in life and parents need to guide their reasoning so that those choices lead toward a fulfilling life.
By Charles Debelak
]]>In the next four clipboard articles that focus on research and experience, I plan to discuss the findings of Laurence Steinberg’s highly regarded research in his book Beyond the Classroom: Why School Reform Has Failed and What Parents Need To Do. The reason I would like to share the findings of this research with the Birchwood community is because it echoes our own experience at Birchwood in the past twenty-five years and I believe the findings can help all parents inspire their children to do well in school.
Steinberg’s ten-year research project involving three universities and research teams, dating from the late 1980’s through the mid-1990’s, drew its conclusions from factors that lay outside schools. This study found that student engagement was the single most important factor for academic success, that is, to the degree that students understood why they are in school, why it is important to do well in school, and then assume the responsibility to achieve to the best of their ability, determined their success. Engagement describes “the degree to which students are psychologically ‘connected’ to what is going on in their classes.”
Not only did the degree of engagement predict educational achievement, but it also indicated a child’s “well-being, because educational commitment is highly correlated with other psychological and behavior indicators of successful functioning…engagement can be a buffer against psychological problems… in much the same way that satisfaction with work is associated with better mental health among adults. . . Children who are interested and involved in school score higher on measures of psychological adjustment, such as assessments of self-esteem, responsibility, and competence in social relationship.”
Steinberg points out that the highest forms of engagement correlate directly to the extent that education is valued by family and student. This correlation is not only based upon getting good grades whereby a student gains acceptance to a better high school and college, but even more importantly, the correlation is even stronger when students understand the connection between becoming an educated person and leading a personally enriched life that makes significant contributions to others and society at large.
Certainly schools can and should do as much as possible to help children become engaged in their education, but Steinberg’s research also shows that deeper levels of motivation and purpose are more often than not established outside the school setting. Too often schools that hope to inspire student achievement must first overcome attitudes and habits that are pushing students in the opposite direction.
After establishing the case for student engagement, Steinberg spends time explaining the important role that parents play. He lists three factors for parents to consider in the home environment: acceptance, firmness, and autonomy. I will take up each of these topics in the next three months and related my own experiences working with young people for more than 30 years.
By Charles Debelak
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While much of the debate about student academic success revolves around the place of school, curriculum and teachers, some researchers (and this practitioner), believing these factors are external, will cite evidence that the most important success factors are those that reside in the mind and heart of children themselves. This view claims that without inner motivation to learn, whether stimulated by individual aspirations or family and cultural expectations, children do not engage themselves in their learning. Even if they are given the best schools and curriculum with outstanding teachers, children who are detached from the learning process gain little.
For discussion sake, we can call these inner, hidden factors, intrapersonal. Although we could list many such factors, I would like to focus on three that experience and research support as central.
The first relates to a child’s belief and confidence in the value and importance of good education. Laurence Steinberg refers to research showing that even at a young age a child must be helped to see the connection between obtaining a good education and the quality of life they will have in the future. Statistical data for economic, social, and personal betterment overwhelmingly support this view. Adults must help children see the connection between children’s elementary, middle school and high school curriculum with future prospects. The correlation is not always direct, say between fifth grade language arts and a medical profession, but the need to become academically competent and capable of continued learning are inescapable necessities of the 21st Century.
The second of these hidden, inner skills is a healthy attribution style. Bernard Weiner (UCLA) and Carol Dweck (Stanford) point out that children often draw premature and erroneous conclusions that they are “smart in math, but not in writing.” Children see their academic success or failure in terms of absolutes. In this context a child either is, or is not, able. On the other hand, children who are taught that effort and attitude play the most important part in their learning, will develop healthier attributions believing that learning and succeeding in school is within their own control and hence, if they improve their effort, they will improve their performance.
Finally, children who develop metacognitive skills are more able to adapt their efforts and attitudes toward academic achievement. A simple definition of metacognitive skills (at least as they occur in a school setting) identifies those abilities by which children process their school experiences, understanding why they failed or succeeded, determining what they need to do to remedy problems or improve their work, and devising an action plan that offers hope of advancement. This final point could find scholarly backing in the work of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs and Kazimierz Dabrowsky’s theory of positive integration.
By Charles Debelak
]]>Research is confirming what many parents and educators understand intuitively: if you want children to become good at anything, you must begin education and training early. Sports and music enthusiasts have long understood this fact. In America during the past twenty-five years, we’ve witnessed a phenomenal increase of intense training and coaching at an early age for tennis, soccer, hockey and other sports. No one is surprised when we learn that an accomplished teen pianist has been studying piano seriously since age 8.
The underlying reality here is that the acquisition of skills and knowledge multiply - the earlier the investment, the greater the return. Often referred to as “The Matthew Effect” (from Matthew’s Gospel, the rich get richer) the idea describes, for example, that if children learn to read early, the benefits of being a competent reader multiply throughout childhood and adolescence. Children’s interest and competency in reading will continue to advance throughout childhood and adolescence. Sociologists have called this the “cumulative advantage” and it has important implications across the academic curriculum. If America wants its youth to excel in math, science, reading and writing, then meaningful efforts must begin early. By the end of elementary and middle school years, student attitudes and abilities in core subjects should be positioned for excellence in high school. There is research to suggest that if children are not competent and enthusiastic toward academics before high school, then even the best teachers find it difficult to inspire their students toward high achievement. Emphasis on a strong academic program should begin early.
But not only do students need a meaningful and substantial early start in academics, they also need an early start in developing good work habits and attitudes. Researchers like Jonathan Haidt (University of Chicago) and Martin E.P. Seligman (University of Pennsylvania) note that intrapersonal achievement skills, the personal habits that lead to academic success, like self-discipline, diligence and perseverance, can and should be developed early. Their effect also multiplies and forms the basis for teenage attitudes and achievement. A graduating middle school student who has learned how to focus, be industrious, manage time, establish goals and map out plans to reach their goals, will position himself or herself to make their high school and college experience robust, rewarding and highly productive.
By Charles Debelak
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