High expectations can inspire high achievement, but high achievement requires hard work. This fact highlights the need for good habits, a strong will, self-discipline, and intellectual stamina. These qualities are grounded in “right thinking”, the reasoning capacity that is able to direct energy, emotion, and passion.
Concerning education, “right thinking” begins with personal ownership. Here we help children conclude, “It is my job to get a good education. This is my primary responsibility as a child and adolescent. A good education will lead to academic achievement, personal fulfillment, and better prospects for a prosperous and fulfilling adulthood.” Parents and teachers are challenged to reinforce this maxim through their words and actions. Acquiring a good education has the highest priority in the life of a young person.
“Right thinking” also implies managing the internal conversations (maybe argument is a better word) buzzing in their heads. One voice clings to noble thoughts - achievement, success, hard work, perseverance. Another voice undermines good intentions. That voice gives children reason to quit, give up, find excuses, cut corners, find the path of least resistance, or cast off responsibility. Sustained, high academic achievement depends upon children understanding this argument in their minds and then managing that argument in order to do what is best.
Teaching this skill, cultivating this habit, is the job of parents and teachers. It is a tedious and time consuming job but without adult intervention children generally fall prey to their lower instincts. Lessons about managing the internal conversation must be taught and re-taught, extending from the time children are about eight years old until they are in their late teens or early twenties. Since the default mode is acquiescence to the voice of compromise, parents need to continually awaken their children’s ear to the noble voice until children build up the habits of thought and deed that can support their best aspirations.
I have found one of the best ways to teach this lesson is to illustrate that the internal argument is common to everyone, and productive individuals learn to deal with the arguments to their own success. From my experience, I know that children love to hear stories about the people they know, love, and respect who have experienced quitting or have met with frequent failure. They cling to the story line that explains how others found a way to overcome. Learning that achievement and success are not a status that you either have or you don’t have, but that achievement and success can, and is, realized by people just like they are - people who find themselves wanting to quit, who want to take short cuts, people who fail far more frequently than they succeed. This is real. This is life. And children draw inspiration for their own achievements through these truths.
In my work with elementary and middle school students, I frequently describe the internal struggles famous men and women experience in their efforts to achieve their goals. But I also find that children like to hear about the struggles, failures, and successes of the people around them. So I often describe my own, daily struggles related to my personal goals. The stories are simple, full of human frailty, but powerful because they illustrate success comes through managing inner conversations. My students like to hear how hard it is for me to lose 15 pounds (my recurring health goal). I tell them how I “cut corners” on my diet because I love chocolate chip cookies. I describe my lament after each setback. They roar with laughter at my weaknesses, but nod with understanding when I describe my new plans for victory. In another example, I recently described my pitiful attempts to learn how to swim (I nearly drowned three times last winter). I told the children how I hated to jump into the pool at 6:00 am on a cold wintery day. They giggled as I enumerated all the excuses I gave myself to avoid this daily ordeal. Nevertheless, as I described my thought process about how I could attack my goal again, they also drew inspiration recognizing comparisons to their own mental wrestling. My struggles are just like theirs! And good goals just take time to attain. Sometimes we have to reassess our strategies and come up with a new plan. But as we manage those inner conversations, as we learn to have answers to that part of us that speaks discouragingly, we can find pathways that lead to success.
By Charles Debelak
]]>Appropriate academic expectations, those which provide the hope of success through personal industry, enable children to experience academic success and, as a consequence, foster a sense of self worth. Children identify with their successes and experience degrees of self-fulfillment. Given repeated opportunities for success, children emerge into adolescence seeking challenges and knowing how to achieve.
As I noted in the last few months, success at anything requires practice and hard work. We need to remember, however, that children do not learn the value of practice and hard work on their own. Children, just being children, do not have the intellectual and psychological resources to cope with challenges. Neither have they developed the habits of mind or the voice of reason that enables them to persevere through weariness or failure.
Consequently, parents must supply the strength and will power to help children reach academic goals. Mom or Dad will need to monitor homework. Either might also need to sit patiently at the piano until a lesson is complete. The fact that a child can persevere in these tasks is directly related to parental commitment. But parents will not always be around. Children need internal guideposts that buoy their will and empower them to remain on course. They need “right thinking.” Right thinking provides the “why.” “Why should I do my homework? Why do I need to study hard? Why do I need to practice, practice, practice?” Right reasoning drives and empowers the will and strengthens a child’s efforts when he wants to quit.
In education it is so. If we want children to excel in academics, if we want them to reach their highest potential, if we hope they can someday compete in a global marketplace, then they will need to work very hard in school. From every corner of our society today, we hear that education is essential. To heed this claim, children need to value their education above everything else. Amidst the countless distractions children face in our fast-paced culture, they need to be reminded again and again that their personal fulfillment, their academic future, and their professional success, hinge on a quality education. They must be taught to value education above sports, above pop music, above fashion, above video games, and even above just “hangin’ out.” Surely these activities are all fun and they have their place in a child’s life; after all, this is America, a rich and bountiful country filled with wonderful leisure activities. But if a child has not been taught to treasure education and the pursuit of education above these enjoyments, children will compromise their academic aspirations and consequently compromise the benefits of a quality education. When academic excellence calls for greater effort and time commitment, when high achievement requires that children put away video games, or turn off the television, children lacking “right thinking” will not have the will power to carry out their responsibilities.
If you want your child to value education then the home and family life must also make education a top priority. Good grades matter. Homework matters. Academic challenge matters. Academic successes matter. Leisure activities are secondary. TV can wait, video games can wait, iphones can wait, Facebook can wait, and even soccer and basketball can wait. The value of today’s leisure activities will fade and give way to new leisure activities whose value will also fade. But the value of high quality education will endure for a lifetime. Children must know this and hold this, and if they so value education they will also have the will power to commit time and energy to succeed in academics. They will have the will power to delay their gratification in leisure activities until they have secured their best efforts toward education. If the words and actions of parents declare that education matters, then it will matter to children.
Next month we will expand on the idea of “right thinking.
By Charles Debelak
]]>Expectations often determine achievement. To be effective, expectations are set at an instructional level, which means that the level of assigned work will correlate to a child’s ability and previous achievements. Being given a goal on an instructional level, children can expect success after they invest time and energy. Through this cycle of hard work and achievement, two things are accomplished. Children grow in competency and selfconfidence, and they learn the connection between success and industry.
Lessons about hard work and practice are not easy to teach. My experience has caused me to wonder whether children specifically and humankind generally are hard-wired to avoid demanding work and gravitate to a path of least resistance. I am reminded of “Gilligan” in the 1960’s sitcom Gilligan’s Island. Whenever someone mentioned “work”, Gilligan screeched “work” as if he had just been called to a torture chamber. The scene always made me laugh, but I also thought the performance was not far from reality.
Most children are willing to do some amount of school work. If a little boy finds a topic he enjoys, he will immerse himself in work. Engagement continues until the topic becomes more demanding, and advancement will involve – well – work! Even the most ardent student will balk when confronted with real challenge. In fact, if given the opportunity to give up and quit, little boys and girls will, as a matter of habit, avoid hard work. This is a problem, because the avoidance of work can become habit, and habits grow into dispositional problems.
It is clear that parents and educators need to emphasize industry. But when hoping to establish the connection between achievement and hard work, parents and teachers should grasp how difficult it is to make this correlation practical for children. Children will resist, and their resistance will be ferocious. In other words, we are in for a battle. We need a long-term, long-suffering, patient, enduring, strategic plan that, despite children’s protests, can foster those habits that will equip our children with a sturdy disposition, one that empowers them to reach all of their goals.
At the core of this long-range strategic plan is “right thinking.” Facing challenges and embracing hard work requires the right mindset. To accept the inevitable difficulties and hardships in accomplishing goals, children need the right frame of mind. Mommy and Daddy cannot always walk alongside their children reminding them not to quit or not to compromise goals. Children need the intellectual resources to cope with challenges and to answer the voice inside their own heads that is telling them to give up. Here is the focus of labor for parents and educators. It will require us to walk a fine line between love and discipline, kindness and firmness, accommodation and authority.
This will be our topic next month.
By Charles Debelak
]]>Appropriate academic expectations should be set at an instructional level. “Instructional level” is education talk meaning that academic expectations are set so that children, through a reasonable amount of effort and hard work, will succeed. If the expectations are set too low, the child succeeds too easily. He gets bored, develops bad work habits, and finds his interests and passions in non-academic pursuits. School, for him, is a waste of time. On the other hand, if the work is consistently too difficult (I emphasize the word “consistently” because appropriate expectations will also be difficult), a student may just quit. And like his friend who found work too easy, locate his pursuits outside of the academic arena.
It is so important for children to learn and understand the connection between success and work. It is the foundation that leads to genuine self-worth and self-esteem. As children experience both work and success they value and identify their achievements: “I’m good at math; I’m a good reader. I’m a good student. I love school.”
When expectations are set at an instructional level, they require work. The student must practice until he or she understands and is competent. Practice means the student does something over and over again until he gets good at it. Unfortunately, practice, if effective, is seldom enjoyable. It is work, often hard work. But it can’t be avoided. Every child dreams about successes, but most shy away from the practice and hard work that are required for achievement. But if children are going to become competent, they just have to do it. The world of sports and music exhort the aspiring athlete or musician: Practice! Practice! Practice! Why would we possibly think that academic achievement can somehow circumvent hard work and practice?
While we talk about the story of hard work and practice, let’s us also connect this story to the love of learning – the love of reading, writing, mathematics, science or history. Children love academics because they are succeeding in academics. They are succeeding in academics because they are practicing. They are practicing because they have parents and teachers who understand that children cannot become good at anything unless they practice, and children will not enjoy anything unless they can become good at it. With this understanding, teachers and parents acknowledge the role of hard work and practice, and they teach their children how to develop the attributes and mindset necessary to persevere.
I have been in education for nearly forty years. Often parents will tell me, “I just want my children to enjoy school.” I understand these sentiments. I felt the same way about my children. Yet without knowing it, these sentiments are often misguided. They suggest a hope that school will become an entertainment or a therapeutic center where teachers are at the beck and call of each child’s individual happiness. Well, that never happens. Even if a school could become an entertainment center and even if every one of a child’s wants (not needs) could be satisfied, I guarantee that you would not find a happy child; you would not find a thriving child who is growing personally and academically. More likely, you would find a self-absorbed, narcissistic student who is seldom happy and is grossly incompetent.
The joy of learning and the sense of personal well-being at school are found in academic success. Academic success is a result of achieving academic expectations, and achievement is grounded in hard work and practice. The bottom line is that if you want your child to love learning and to love school, they must achieve. You would do well to help your child understand this age-old phenomenon.
By Charles Debelak
]]>We have established the need for context in relationship to academic expectations; now we should see how to align expectations with ability and talent. Even though we all hope our children will succeed in school at a superior level, we also must match our hopes to potential. We readily acknowledge the impossibility that every child will make the varsity soccer team or the varsity debate team. Academic achievement is the same. Even if we maintain high expectations and expect hard work under any circumstance, high expectations and hard work cannot alter aptitude.
Setting realistic expectations and being able to attain expectations requires two components: identifying performance ceilings and building habits of mind and industry to reach expectations. It is actually a rather simple equation that we frequently apply to everyday affairs. Let me illustrate.
Last summer I enticed my grandson to play catch with a 20-inch, plastic ball. From ten feet away, I tossed him the ball only to have him swat it away with his uncoordinated, outstretched arms. Being an astute educator I noted, “Ah, expectations are too high! I must adjust.” I moved closer, maybe eight feet away. I let the ball fly. Same result. I pondered, “The ceiling is still too high.” I moved to a distance of five feet and told my grandson to stretch out his arms. Then I carefully aimed my toss so that the ball would land softly in his grasp. Success was ours. He beamed with pride. We did it again and again. He loved his success.
You might say we found his achievement ceiling and practiced from that point until he could catch the ball every time. But after repeated successes, it was time to raise the expectations, establish a new ceiling. First, I challenged him, “Do you think you could catch the ball if I took a big step backwards?” Bolstered by his recent successes, he welcomed the challenge, “Sure I can. Let’s do it.”
Our first few attempts at reaching new expectations followed a similar scenario. He missed the first two or three tosses. We both made some adjustments and soon he was catching the ball about half of the time. A few tosses bounced out of his arms or off his head. Clearly, he had not reached mastery. He could not attempt more difficult catches until he became proficient at this level of ball-catching. Nevertheless, we did establish an important ball-catching ceiling. We needed more practice at this level of expectation.
I believe we have had many similar experiences while teaching our children new skills. Common sense (as well as piles of research) will tell you that this is how people learn. But I would suggest to you that this is exactly what should happen in the academic world. You, together with your child’s teachers, should be ascertaining academic ceilings. You ought to ask yourself, “What are my child’s aptitudes? What are his/her ceilings at school?”
The folly of lock-step grade level curriculum is that it cannot possibly address each child’s learning potential. That requires parent-teacher collaboration. If children are going to develop their abilities to the fullest, then they need help establishing ceilings and support to reach and surpass their ceilings.
By Charles Debelak
]]>When setting academic expectations, we have to be aware of context. Superior performance in one context may be a mediocre performance in another. A good illustration comes from a friend of mine who at one point in her career was teaching a remedial reading course to college freshmen. Quite surprisingly three of her students who had ranked among the top 10% of graduates at their respective high schools were required to take this remedial course.
“How could this be?” I asked, incredulous. The answer was context. These students attended schools where the academic standards were detached from a broader county or state context. What their own school called excellent may have only been average in another high school. The commencement of college level work became their day of reckoning and they were found wanting. In my opinion this was an injustice to these students. They were led to believe something that was simply not true.
If we are serious about high quality education we must face context - that can be very disconcerting. It may challenge us; it may expose us. Imagine! We might not be what we say we are! Maybe our claims to high quality education are true only in our self-serving bubble. We have to face the facts of context, because if you don’t you might find yourself in a make-believe world.
My wife and I have always taken this kind of “hard line” approach to assessing our claims of high quality education at Birchwood. We wrestle with context. Sometimes we don’t like what we see. We may fall short. But that’s okay because then we can address our deficiencies head on. Actually in this regard context saves us. It saves us from babbling about a school of “excellence” or “world class education” when in fact the only excellence we have is that which is invented in our self-serving bubble. Frankly, we have no choice; if we say we offer a superior education, we must answer the question, “Superior to what?” If we say we have a good math program or an excellent writing curriculum we must answer, “What is our context?”
When we establish academic expectations based upon a meaningful context, we also develop a healthy appreciation of ourselves and our work. In weaknesses, we seek improvement. Amidst superior work, we learn. If we cannot be the best, then at least we know why, and we appreciate those individuals whose achievement standards are even higher than ours. In any case, within a meaningful context, we take inventory of who we are and what we can do. This is a place from which we can move forward and grow. And that just feels good.
By Charles Debelak
]]>What should we expect from our children? What is appropriate? Expectations have a powerful impact on performance and achievement. If we expect too little, we get little and a child’s development will be limited. If we expect too much we will cause frustration and discouragement. The question then becomes how we establish expectations that will lead to growth, development, and enthusiasm.
The first thing to keep in mind is that expectations are always determined by context. Without context achievement gropes for meaning. Whether you want your son or daughter to excel in dance, mathematics or writing you set your goals and measure progress based upon context.
For example, let’s look at learning how to play baseball. At first, we may simply want our son or daughter to develop basic skills in catching, throwing, and hitting. The context is personal enjoyment. With certain rudimentary skills a child can come to appreciate the game and enjoy it. But let’s imagine a child who wants to play on the city’s traveling team. Immediately the context changes and the expectations change. It is no longer a matter of whether the child can catch and hit for personal enjoyment, he or she must be able to hit as well or better than the other children trying out for the team in order to get a place on the roster. The challenge is similar if the child wants to play on the high school baseball team, or if during high school he or she wants to earn a baseball scholarship to college. Increasing levels of achievement are accompanied by increased expectation. Someone might ask, “Is Joey a good baseball player?” A friendly answer is, “Sure, he is a terrific player.” An honest answer is, “Compared to whom? What context are you talking about?”
Expectations work the same in education. On the one hand, certain levels of expectation are absolutely necessary within a broad, general context. Every child must learn to read, write, and solve mathematics problems. The context is productive membership in a democratic society. It defines baseline proficiencies. In fact, this is what most state tests are all about – developing core competencies. But as a parent you may have greater expectations for your child’s academic career. If so, the question becomes, “What is your context? With whom or with what are you comparing your notion of ‘greater expectations’?”
This is a tougher job than you may think. It seems that everything in American culture today is “excellent” or “award-winning.” It would be amusing if it was not so misleading. Today children receive academic awards, trophies, ribbons, certificates of distinction, newspaper write-ups, and a whole host of other symbols of excellence. But you have to ask the question, “What is the context?” When your child earns an “A” or a “B” in writing or math or reading, you should ask, “What is the context. How does this level of achievement compare to my child’s actual ability? How does it compare to other students his/her age? How do the academic expectations compare to those in other classrooms, other cities, other states, other countries?” The academic levels to which you want your son or daughter to attain depends upon your level of expectations, and your expectations depend upon the context of your assessment.
Certainly expectations should be and will be mitigated by ability. Next month we will talk about this. But as a parent who cares greatly about your child’s academic achievement, it is important that you guide your child’s development by meaningful contexts.
By Charles Debelak]]>
Recently a Birchwood grad wrote me a letter about her experience in a high school mathematics course. As a freshman, she was taking an algebra2/trig course usually taken by high school juniors. At first she was intimidated and nervous, thinking to herself that everyone would be smarter than she. Her fears soon faded. Of the 15 problems the teacher assigned in class, she could do them all in her head. She said a junior level classmate asked her for help with “stuff I learned last year at Birchwood!” The Birchwood grad walked out of the class laughing and thinking, “I couldn’t be happier that I went to Birchwood. It was hard work but it sure paid off.”
I tell this story to make a point about academic expectations. Birchwood students are not smarter
than students in other schools. Raw statistics will tell us that 25% of the student population in Metropolitan Cleveland have IQ’s over 115 (students I call “bright”), and 10% have IQ’s over 130 (gifted in the traditional sense). That means that if there are 10,000 fifth grade students in Northeast Ohio, then twenty-five hundred are considered bright or gifted and one thousand of those have IQ’s over 130. That’s a lot of students. Why do Birchwood grads stand out among them? Why do they do so well comparatively in high school? Simple. We have expected more from them and they have responded to our expectations. They work hard and they achieve.
The fact is, that if you do not expect a child’s best work, you will not get it. There are no secrets here. Experience and research show that people perform to the expectations placed upon them. Expect little, you get little. Expect much, you will get much.
There is another side to this. If you do not expect a child’s best, and if you do not nurture the child to reach his or her best, you will not help that child develop a sense of fulfillment and self-worth. All children are driven to establish self-efficacy. Who am I? What am I? A healthy answer to these questions results from what a child accomplishes, and if children are not given meaningful academic expectations to achieve, they will not perceive of themselves as good students with high academic aspirations.
Quite honestly, I really push my students in mathematics. I expect much more from them than what most elementary and mathematics programs would expect. Certainly I take into consideration their aptitude and needs. Nevertheless, based upon their abilities, I expect and demand! Don’t get me wrong. That does not mean that I have to be harsh or mean. Students know I always support them, and will do anything to help them achieve. They perceive from my expectations that I care about them greatly. In addition, my classes are often filled with joking and laughter (my wife thinks far too much); but my expectations are uncompromising. On this, I do not relent. And guess what? My students excel and they enjoy (if not love) mathematics.
Nurturing talent and demanding performance are not mutually exclusive. They go together. If you do not demand, nurturing morphs into pampering and your child will whine about every little challenge placed in from of him or her. On the other hand, if you do not nurture, your demands will just become a pressure upon your child and create anxiety.
In next month’s issue we will discuss how to establish meaningfully high expectations.
By Charles Debelak
]]>In this last essay on “becoming great,” (that is, becoming virtuous) I would like to emphasize the enduring value of this objective. The value endures because this value is intrinsic to human nature (this was Aristotle’s view). Each child is born with the potential to be virtuous. It is a common heritage. Not everyone is born with the capacity for music or athletics or leadership. Not all have the same cognitive abilities or the good fortune to be born in a wealthy society. But concerning the capacity for virtue, there is no difference. The virtuous s life can, and has, emerged from every corner of the world and every strata of society. It is no surprise then that stories of great people are ubiquitous, spanning intellectual, social, economic, racial, ethnic, religious, and cultural spheres.
Since virtue is intrinsic to human nature, setting virtue as an objective is like making plans for personal fulfillment. It includes lifelong enrichment, growth, and accomplishment. It enables us to become a blessing to family, friends, and society.
What does this mean for parenting? First, we understand that our children will discover personal fulfillment and happiness when they are growing and becoming who they can become. Consequently, we show them how to identify their strengths and weaknesses in and out of school, and explain how to set meaningful goals that will stretch their abilities. These are goals that will require self-discipline and hard work but are still within reach. Then we support this effort with the language of achievement: “Do your best; don’t quit; push yourself; work now – play later.” In the end, we let them know that we stand right alongside them as they stretch forward to achieve.
Second, we show them how to take positive ownership of their life among others - how to make friends, how to be a friend, how to create a friendly atmosphere, how to be a productive contributor in every social setting. Don’t let children become victims! Don’t let them pick up the habit of blaming everyone and everything for their lack of happiness. Show them how to get along with all kinds of people – those they like and those they do not like. Explain how to make the best out of each environment and social situation. If you can teach your children how to become a positive influence wherever they are, they will be valued and cherished throughout their life.
Finally, we must recognize that parents are the catalyst to make children “great.” It may require our time; it may require our money. It most certainly will consume our heart. But we make it happen. If we do not grasp this central role, someone else will, whether deliberately or by default, whether for good or ill. In one way or another, our children will be shaped by the influences bearing upon them. We ought to posture ourselves to exert the greatest influence. For better or worse, our children are our most enduring legacy. We ought to guide them toward a life of enduring value.
By Charles Debelak]]>
The fourth Cardinal Virtue is wisdom. Wisdom describes matured insight, discernment, judgment, and decision-making. In some ways wisdom is the fruit of practicing the other three virtues – justice, courage, and self-control. Wisdom embodies the cumulative experience of someone who struggles to live a virtuous life. In circumstance after circumstance, in event upon event, in trial after trial, the individual seeks to do what is “good”, and exercises himself toward justice with courage and self-control. In this pathway, he apprehends what is good and true. He learns from success, but more frequently he discerns truth through failures, setbacks, and hardships. If he is determined to mature, he will learn from the lives of other virtuous people - sometimes through biography, other times through cultural history, and still more frequently, through family and friends. Through practicing virtue, wisdom is learned – step-by-step, day-by-day, year-by-year. Wisdom becomes a skill, honed through life-long efforts to know the good, love the good, and choose the good.
Unlike any other human endeavor in which we become better and better through practice, wisdom’s deepest and most enduring lessons come at the hands of failure. The person who strives to become virtuous discovers how often he is wrong; how recurrently he is weak; how repeatedly he must say, “I am sorry.” In the end, the pathway to wisdom is paved with humility. Humility is wisdom’s midwife and its signature characteristic.
How then do we teach children wisdom? Well, we don’t. Instead we encourage, remind, inspire, and provoke them to practice the other virtues consistently and habitually. Practice leads to habit; habit to lifestyle. John Bargh, professor of social psychology at Yale and pioneer in the studies of automaticity, writes, “Most mental processes that adults perform happen automatically based upon their particular history of habit formation.” Similarly, Ray Kurzweil, inventor, futurist, and author at Harvard, writes about brain functioning, “What we know, what we believe, what we think, is a product of pattern recognition. Our thinking and behavior is based upon a personal history of patterns.”
Parents can start by reading stories of virtuous people or pointing out examples of virtuous behavior wherever they can be found. Parents can also begin by supplying the language for virtuous living: “Did you do your best? Did you try hard? Were you nice to everyone at school? Did you make friends? Did you listen to your teacher?” As children grow, parents can remind them, “What are your goals this quarter? Have you treated your classmates and teacher well? Were you respectful? Did you finish your work before you began playing?” Language precedes good behavior and consistency of good behavior becomes habit. When children grow up with the mantra to know the good, love the good and do the good, the effort to do so becomes a part of their personality.
We hope and strive that our children will excel in life - some professionally, some in academics, some in finance, some in power and influence. Each achievement is valuable, yet the personal satisfaction therein fades. Wisdom endures. It is the crowning attribute on a life lived well, and the greatest commodity with which to bless others.
By Charles Debealk
]]>The Cardinal Virtues - justice, courage, self-control, and wisdom – work together as a whole. Justice – the effort to be right toward yourself, others, and responsibilities - requires courage, and courage describes the attitude and will power to choose what is right even when the choice runs contrary to popular opinion. As I wrote last month, recognizing the need for courage, reminds us of the “good” that lives in our hearts and our aspiration to “do the good.”
Courage is coupled with self-control. It is one thing for a young person to aspire toward the good. It is another thing to have the mental and psychological wherewithal to answer the call to courage. Without self-control - the combined effort of mind, will, and emotion – it will be difficult to carry out one’s aspirations. Self-control is the aggregate of reasoning, passion, and volition. The young person who learns self-control not only knows the good and loves the good, but is able to do the good.
At a practical level, self-control describes one’s ability to manage an internal conversation. This conversation is a discussion in our minds between contending ideas - what we should or should not do. Sometimes it is a conversation about good or bad. Other times it is about what is good, better, or best. When teaching middle school students, I often describe the conversation in simplistic, yet very experiential, language. On the chalkboard I draw a large circle that represents a young person. I draw a diameter dividing the person in half. On one side of the circle I sketch a cartoon character with horns and a pitchfork. On the other half, I scribble a crude stick figure with a halo over its head. A childish illustration to be sure, but the young adolescents understand immediately what I mean because this picture illustrates their experience. They have experienced the arguments between these two caricatures.
I explain to my students that at each juncture of decision-making, whether it is something simple like doing or not doing homework, or something more serious that challenges the morality and ethics of family and culture, each of us faces contending, internal “voices.” Self-control is learning how to manage these conversations. Successful management, that is, the ability to regulate the conversation so the youngster does what is good, requires three components.
First, students should realize that their internal debate is normal; it is human. Like every human being, young adults are capable of very good thoughts and very bad thoughts. There does not exist on the face of the earth a category of people who are good and hence have only good thoughts. Nor are there a group of people who are bad and have only bad thoughts. It is rather that both voices do battle within our mind and hearts. How a person finally determines to live his or her life is not the result of being inherently bad or good, but how he or she manages the internal argument between good and bad. It is within the power of each youngster to become a good and noble young adult.
Second, students need an arsenal of moral and ethical arguments for all the challenges they face. Without weapons of good reasoning - lessons from parents, lessons from church-temple-synagogue-mosque, examples from role models, reinforcement from school and society - young people are helpless puppets easily manipulated by the ideas, trends, and justifications for thought and action that can misdirect and then spoil their aspirations.
Finally, students need mentors - parents are the best - with whom they can rehearse and practice managing their internal conversations. This is particularly important in the early teen years when young people are flooded with ideas and concepts that may challenge their moral upbringing. During times of challenge, young people need mature adults with whom they can discuss their internal conversations and learn how to develop healthy reasoning that will lead to self-control and the attainment of their aspirations. When functioning as a mentor, adults must be careful not to judge a young person’s thoughts too quickly. If parents are judgmental, they risk driving the youngster into silence and rebellion. If parents are too flippant, i.e. “he’s free to make his own choices”, they are relinquishing a powerful role that could help their child reach his or her highest potential.
Self-control is a learned habit, cultivated through guidance.
By Charles Debelak
]]>When I talk about children becoming “great,” I am referring to them becoming virtuous. In the 21st century, the term virtue may seem archaic, but it best describes those human characteristics that have been revered throughout time. They lead to a personally fulfilling life and a life that elicits the respect and admiration of others. In children, these virtues are what Aristotle called “potentialities”, possibilities that need to be cultivated through teaching and training in order to make them “actualities”.
The first virtue we discussed in these essays is justice – being right toward self, others, and responsibilities. This virtue works in harmony with the other three cardinal virtues: courage, self-control, and practical wisdom.
Once a child understands the meaning of being just, he must also understand that becoming just is difficult. Courage is needed. There are challenges, and each challenge may require hard work, or hardship, or even sacrifice. To be sure this struggle is always worth the effort - we become better people, better friends, better workers. Nevertheless courage will be needed.
When we explain to children the need for courage, two things happen. First, children recall their potential to be virtuous. They are awakened to the “good” that is hidden within their heart. But at the same time, they also realize that living a virtuous life comes with challenges. Virtue is a wonderful goal, but it does not come easily. In fact, children come to realize that the more noble the goal, the more difficult the climb. Becoming “good” and doing “good” follow a narrow road where only the courageous tread.
But we could ask, “Why would 21st century young people want to hear about toil, hardship, and sacrifice?” This language seems so contrary to what we tend to believe about young people. But as I have written in the past, despite first appearances, children and young adolescents love to hear the language of virtue and courage. Why? It simply matches their human nature. In the deepest recesses of their heart they want to be virtuous. They just need encouragement and instruction.
Recently in my eighth grade opening class (a daily 15 minute lesson about character) we watched The Miracle Worker, a story of Anne Sullivan and her remarkable work with Helen Keller. We discussed the challenges Anne faced, her motivation to take responsibility, and the courage required to persist until she finally reached Helen. At the conclusion of the movie, when Helen is at the water pump repeating the word “water”, indicating at long last, a level of understanding, the students and I took note of Helen’s wonder and Anne’s jubilation. At that moment we stopped the film. Through discussion we identified the tremendous satisfaction Anne Sullivan experienced. Her toil, hardship and sacrifice were rewarded. Helen understood. Anne succeeded. Certainly hers was a “good” work. The power of the moment hit each student. Anne’s virtue prevailed. Her nobility shined.
Afterwards the students wanted to talk about their own aspirations. They even wanted to talk about courage, specifically the courage they would need to reach their own goals. We talked about the hardships they might face and the sacrifices that would be needed. Not surprisingly they greeted the challenges with measured enthusiasm. Will it be hard? Yes. But they wanted to respond to the challenge. These young teens have the potential to be virtuous. With encouragement and guidance they can rise to the challenge.
By Charles Debelak
]]>The Cardinal Virtues – Just Toward Responsibilities
The first cardinal virtue is justice, or being “right.” In the past two months, we discussed two aspects of justice – being right toward self and being right toward others. The third aspect of justice is to be right toward our responsibilities, that is, to fulfill our obligations, and to do them well.
Assuming and fulfilling one’s responsibilities is a sign of maturity. If we teach our children to accept and bear basic responsibilities in childhood, they will become dependable young adults. And if they bear their responsibilities well in adolescence, they will be competent to assume even more responsibility in adulthood and thus become those upon whom family, friends and colleagues can depend. People who are just toward their responsibilities are pillars of families and society.
Immature people are irresponsible people. They require external supervision because they cannot be trusted to do their work, much less to do it well. When found in adults, irresponsibility is deplorable, and very hard to remediate. Children are different. We know they are immature and we expect them to be irresponsible; but they can be taught and trained at an early age to identify their responsibilities and be dutiful.
Responsibility is a habit that requires teaching, training, and the persistence of parents and teachers who are willing to sacrifice so that their children can develop this important virtue. Let’s face it, there is something in our human nature that avoids responsibility. At first look, the path of least resistance is always more pleasant. Therefore, absent any teaching or training, irresponsible children will, by default, become irresponsible adults – a disappointment to themselves, and a pain in the neck to everyone else.
To thwart this default mode, parents must expect and insist upon responsibility. Children need manageable and carefully defined expectations. They can learn responsibility for “things”, such as the care of their toys or the task of clearing the dinner table. They can also have responsibility for people, at least in small ways, like playing with a younger sibling to free up Mom’s time. My favorite (as a teacher) is to tell children they are responsible to do their school work and to do it well. It is their “job” – not their parents or their teachers - to do their best at school.
But having laid this responsibility at the feet of our children, we should also understand that by-in-large they are unable to fulfill these obligations. Rather they need the support and strength of their parents. In fact, it will be the perseverance and will-power of parents that enable children to learn responsibility and develop it as a habit. To this end, I would suggest three efforts.
First, build up a family culture and language for assuming responsibility. Define and articulate manageable responsibilities. Then be firm, insist on fulfillment. Second, supply the will power and strength to enable your child to carry out his responsibilities. He cannot do it on his own. He needs your watchful eye, your time, and your energy to guide him toward success. Don’t blame your son or daughter if they are not responsible. It is you, the responsible parent, that must sacrifice in order to enable them to learn how to be responsible. Finally, illustrate to your child examples of faithfulness and responsibility. Daily news, popular magazines, or observations from daily life provide rich models. Even use yourself or other family members as examples. Children will not recognize responsibility unless someone points it out to them again and again and again.
It will be by your own perseverance toward this sober responsibility, that your own children will become responsible and hence, virtuous, someone whose life elicits respect and honor.
By Charles Debelak]]>
Last month’s essay considered Aristotle’s cardinal virtue of justice, or being “right,” as it relates to self. Ultimately, it is the responsibility of each individual to discover his or her potential and then bring those abilities and talents to fruition: to become what he or she can become. In doing so, each person experiences a degree of personal fulfillment and satisfaction. The view is similar to Abraham Maslow’s notion of self-actualization, which is one component of living a fulfilled life.
The virtue of justice has a second application - being just, or “right,” toward others. Humans are social beings, not merely in that we need family and friends, but more essentially, we draw understanding of who we are and what we can do within the context of our social environments. While “great” people make every effort to develop their own abilities, they are keenly aware of their social environments and social responsibilities therein.
For children raised in a child-centered culture this is an unusual proposition. A child-centered culture nurtures self-centeredness and self-absorption. It teaches children, directly or indirectly, that their personal happiness – materially, physically, psychologically – is primary. The needs or demands of others, including parents, teachers, siblings, or friends, are subordinate to the child’s self interests. Ironically, while selfish little children lust for immediate gratification, any form of lasting happiness or contentment flees away. The child who has not learned to subordinate his wants to some form of broader good will have trouble growing up to become either a productive individual or a happy individual. He makes every decision from the vantage point of “me.” (I have often wondered whether the epidemic of “bullying” in schools is a symptom of unrestricted, selfish lusts).
If children are to become virtuous, i.e. “great” people, and if they are to know and appreciate a deeper sense of personal satisfaction, they must learn that their well-being is inextricably tied to the good of others and the social environments in which they live. This is intrinsic to human nature. Children have a responsibility to others. In every social environment – family, friends, school, and community – children must learn to ask, “Who am I in this setting? To whom am I responsible? How might I benefit others here? What can I do to make this social environment better?” Within the family, children should learn to consider what they can do for Daddy or Mommy. They must understand their responsibilities as a sibling whether younger or older. They should understand their responsibilities to Grandma and Grandpa. Children should ask similar questions when they are at school, when they play on a sports team, even when they are just “hanging out” with friends. To the extent that a child considers his responsibilities to others is the extent to which he will lead an upbeat and vibrant life. Furthermore, each effort in being “just” toward others will build momentum toward lifelong habits that bring personal and community well-being. (Surely, young children despise the language of responsibility to others. It deprives them of immediate, personal gratification. But then neither do they like their vegetables!)
In my classrooms this perspective informs my discipline. Instead of invoking a list of rules, I like to awaken my students’ social conscience. I ask them rhetorically, “Do you know what my rules are? Look around you. Look at what is going on in the class. How much talking is appropriate? How loud or soft should your voice be? How does your behavior affect Mr. Debelak’s work? When can we laugh and joke? When should we be serious? What kind of behavior is expected of you so that this will be the best environment to learn mathematics?” When I ask these questions, I am teaching children social responsibility. It is beyond rules. It is beyond a strict sense of right or wrong, and it is beyond a selfish child-centered culture. Children respond positively to such questions. These questions elicit their best behavior. Children want to be virtuous - despite growing up in a self-absorbed culture that tells them otherwise.
By Charles Debelak
]]>The Cardinal Virtues – Responsible to Yourself
Aristotle’s teaching about virtue has affected world cultures for 2000 years. He observed that every child has the potential to be a virtuous person – or what I like to call a”great person.” For Aristotle, “potentiality” needed cultivation until it became “actuality.”
Aristotle’s list of virtues is robust, but it is summarized in what has become know as the four cardinal virtues – justice, courage, self-control and wisdom. In total, these cardinal virtues encapsulate the description of a virtuous person, a great person.
Justice, or to be “right”, is listed first. It has four applications: right toward ourselves, right toward our duties, right toward others, and right toward God. The notion defies current models of self-absorption and hedonism. Instead, virtue begins by assigning young people responsibilities. As young adults fulfill those responsibilities they experience the richness and fullness of life; they nurture a deep sense of personal satisfaction, and mark themselves out as a noble people.
The first of these applications - right toward ourselves - tells the young child that maturity and personal fulfillment lie in your effort to become what you can become. It explains that you – personally, primarily and foremost - are responsible to develop your skills and your talents. Furthermore, you are also responsible to help shape your attitudes and dispositions toward life and its complexities. Even though life’s journey begins with your genetic make-up, virtue takes that basic foundation and helps it reach its highest potential.
Yes . . . we can, should and must teach our children to think and act with this kind of virtue. It may be hard for parents to believe it’s possible; our culture has drifted far from the confidence that children could or would take such personal responsibility for their own lives. Tracy Cross, Distinguished Professor of Gifted Studies at Ball State University, explains that during the past 50 years, the metaphor for life among young people has changed. In the first half of the 20th century the metaphor was life as achievement; its models were Edison, Einstein, Jackie Robinson. Now the metaphor has become life as entertainment: its models are entertainment and sports icons. The change deeply affects how young people approach life.
But, parents, you should believe that children are capable of listening to, responding to, and taking action upon challenges that require them to be responsible to themselves. Actually, I have found that children love it when I talk to them this way, when I place the responsibility of becoming what they can become squarely upon their own shoulders. Somehow, intuitively, they know it is true. They simply need the courage to think it is so and the support that helps them act upon it. Then, of course, they need adult encouragement and guidance. But because this virtue is intrinsic to their human make-up, they are able to respond.
My basic premise in teaching mathematics, and my central expectation, is that students will assume responsibility for their progress and success. It is their job to do well. Certainly I will help in every imaginable way, from classroom instruction to after-school tutoring. But I cannot make my students learn math. They must learn and practice virtue toward themselves. I use the language that inspires this responsibility and offer the continuing support that brings it to fruition.
My wife and I take the same approach in our Leadership Class for middle school students. “Leadership is proactive,” we tell the students, “You should not wait for us to tell you what to do. Open your eyes. See what is needed. LEAD! Cultivate the talents and capacities you have.” We understand that the maturing process will take time. But it starts with our expectations and instruction.
Children, as a part of their human constitution, possess the capacity to be responsible toward themselves. We adults must believe it is possible and then offer our guidance, encouragement, and support.
By Charles Debelak
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