Practicing Character: Self-Control

By CHARLES DEBELAK
Founder-in-Residence

This is the seventh installment of Mr. Debelak's Character Education series. This academic year, through essays and videos, Mr. Debelak will discuss Birchwood School of Hawken’s character education program, explaining what we mean by good character, why we place importance on character education, and how we carry out an effective program that gets results. A companion video to this essay is linked below.

Self-Control: The Key to Success
 
Social and cognitive scientists agree that self-control is a cornerstone for success. It plays a vital role in individual achievements and in creating supportive and productive relationships. It is one of the most important virtues we can instill in our children. 

The good news is that self-control can be learned. 

To begin, let’s refresh our understanding of children’s intrinsic nature. On the one hand, every child desires to grow, thrive and flourish. They want success in personal and social opportunities. This is a drive for competency, and competency leads to self-worth, self-confidence, and enduring happiness. 

At the same time, every child desires and needs the simple and momentary pleasures of life – rest, relaxation, fun and games. The drive for these pleasures is also intrinsic.

A problem arises when these two drives collide. When, at a given moment of time, a child wishes to pursue his goals for achievement, at the same time he has the opportunity to just play and enjoy himself. His mind reasons: achievement takes work; playing games does not. The choice is easy

Unfortunately, the choice children must make is more difficult in a 21st century America that celebrates entertainment over personal achievement.

This dilemma is played out within a young person’s mind where in internal conversation, these two forces argue. One voice is telling her that reaching her goal is her most important task, one which will bring the greatest satisfaction. But another voice nudges her to forgo hard work and “chill out” with a good movie. Here is where the lessons of self-control are learned. Since the impulse to indulge in short term pleasures is far stronger than that to work hard and achieve, a child needs to learn the arguments for choosing to grow and thrive. 

In terms of making self-control a virtue which can be practiced and habituated, there are a few helpful strategies.

It begins by making sure goals are an important part of life. Young children have tiny goals. Older children need higher goals. At all times, however, children should not be given the notion that the goal of life is fun. Although we want our children to have fun, we do not want them to live for fun. Parental attempts to make a child’s life “fun” is the surest way to undermine their drive toward excellence. Although creating this perspective is a long term goal, its creation is critical if children are going to learn self-control because self-control is learned in the context of goal setting. 

In addition, we need to keep in mind two stages toward the development of self-control. The first stage is authoritarian. Parents or teachers expect and demand behavioral norms. There is no compromise. Children are made to conform to socially accepted standards whether or not they understand the rules of family or society. 

This perspective usually addresses children under the age of 10. Sometimes a teacher’s rationale with young children is simply, “Because I told you so.” Why? Because during this early stage of moral responsibility, most children are not mentally or emotionally mature to make good choices to control their impulses or to understand the ramifications of their behaviors. 

If adults do not insist upon appropriate behaviors, they will not only confuse children but create inner turmoil. Children want to be good and if their “darker angels” get ahold of their behaviors, the poor little child becomes a prisoner of his overexcited emotions. When an adult says, “No!” children are actually relieved when they are rescued from the inner turmoil that plagues misbehavior.

The second stage (which can begin with some children as young as 6 or 7) requires a child’s capacity for reasoning. This implies a certain degree of self-awareness. The child begins to understand both his  emotional impulse to do the things he likes to do and the intellectual reasoning which says, “Later. When your work is done.”

Here is where adult intervention is necessary. Children need lots of coaching – through lots of long, engaging conversations – in order to understand and embrace a mature perspective for a productive life. Quite honestly, very few children can develop self-control unless a parent or teacher dedicates herself to many, many conversations over many years in order to secure a child’s healthy perspective on life and the intellectual tools that can address the continuous internal conversations that may lead to the best pathway for personal growth. 

In these conversations we are helping children understand themselves. As they understand themselves they are better able to exercise self-control. Through their experiences, under the loving, watchful eyes of parents and teachers, children learn to prioritize their responsibilities and their pleasures. They understand their choices each day. They acknowledge their weaknesses, they know their goals, and they understand the distinction between short- and long-term gratification. They are practiced in navigating their internal conversations and they are practiced in making the best choices for their personal development.

If you want to help children to learn self-control, don’t believe in miracles. Believe in your own efforts to nurture and coach your children to “think rightly” and “desire rightly.” This takes time and a love, which is born out in an enduring commitment. 

View the companion video: "Practicing  Character: Self-Control"

Charles Debelak is Founder-in-Residence, along with his wife, Helene. Together, the Debelaks founded Birchwood in 1984. Mr. Debelak’s writing provides parents with information about sound educational principles and child development issues gleaned from history, contemporary research, and his 50-plus years of educating, coaching, and counseling children, young adults, and parents. This article appeared in the February/March 2025 edition of the school's monthly newsletter, "The Clipboard." 
Back

Recent Posts

List of 12 news stories.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

4400 West 140th Street  |  Cleveland, OH 44135  |  216.251.2321